I have a confession to make.
I hope this isn’t surprising to you.
I wish that you could understand and remember that I am human, too.
I get tired. Sometimes my smile is very fake. I roll my eyes at my customers behind their backs. My feet ache from all the walking I do. When I step outside the back door to my work (I’m not gonna lie), the open sky feels like a hug and I am. free. I zone out on the way home and once in a great while, run a red light. When I do get home, the only thing I want to do is sit down and relax. And I do that way too often.
I use my evenings as if only I mattered. I could be working for my family: cleaning, flowerbedding, or ironing. Instead, I stay out too late with my friends. I could use the gift of encouragement He gave me and be making cards for you — my real life friends — but instead I lay awake, scrolling through Instagram, following the lives of strangers. I could be writing poetry and reading my Bible, but instead I watch videos on YouTube. I could enjoy life by learning new things, reading books, exploring my own woods, but instead I waste my free time on things that add no meaning to my life.
Upon critical examination, I find that my life is full of clutter. Meaningless, valueless clutter. I am so ashamed and convicted.
I do have productive evenings. I don’t regret nights out with my friends. But neither do I regret simply staying home.
I’m really sorry. I’ve wasted so much of my gifts. But. (There will always, always, be a but to every story) But I’m going to do better. I’m going to grasp the hand of my Saviour and climb out of this pit of despair and shame. I’m going to shake it off and start doing things better.
I don’t have much more to say. But before I finish this confession, could I please get a raised hand from someone who has felt this way before?
Oh, one more thing I do? I talk way too much sometimes. I’ve eaten enormous pieces of my foot twice just this past week. Palm-to-the-head, duh Diane moments. And you know, it’s okay. There’s still forgiveness and forgetfulness in this world; fortunately she had lots of forgiveness, and if he doesn’t forget, well then, I just don’t know.